Attacked

There is a battle going on. One that I cannot fight on my own and dont want to. I dont have what it takes. I dont have the strength. I feel like I am being attacked in numerous areas of my life. It's amazing the ups and downs that I go through. The really good and the really bad. The only thing that I can do is remind myself of everything that God has done. The way he has shown up, the way he has spoken to me and just knowing what he has done in me. I have been praying for a cleansing, to be flushed out for both Tommy and me. I have asked God to come and do what needs to be done. I've prayed for more of God. I have asked him to bring it on. Those are possibly requests that could be very hard. I dont know what any of that means. I dont know what God has in store. All I can do is trust that it's going to be o.k., because God is in control. Everyday I try to lay at his feet my issues and questions and doubts and fears and ask him to please take them and be in control. I can only believe that he is. In home group we have been studying I Peter and within this has been the topic of inner beauty. Not adorning yourself on the outside with jewelery, makeup, hair, clothes but becoming beautiful on the inside. Wives, in the same way be submissive to your husbands so that, if any of them do not believe the word, they may be won over without words by the behavior of their wives, when they see the purity and reverence of your lives. Your beauty should not come from woutward adornment, such as braided hair and the wearing of gold jewelry and fine clothes. Instead, it should be that of your inner self, the unfading beauty of a gentle and quiet spirit, which is of great worth in God's sight. In the study I am doing at church, last weeks topic was this same reference about inner beauty - the unfading beauty of a gentle and quiet spirit. At church on Sunday this was also mentioned at one point. Is God saying something to me or what? Is this what God is doing? Is God working in me and bringing forth an inner beauty. If he is, I'm really struggling. I'm failing, I'm seeing the ugly, the bad, the things that I have struggled with in the past. The things that brought forth bad attitudes. Definitely not an inner beauty!! There is such a battle going on in my head of am I doing this right, am I praying right, are my prayers not being heard because I've been praying at night time and keep falling asleep. I'm not getting all my prayers in, I've got so much to pray for and about that I just cant get it in. So I feel like I'm not covering everything that I need to cover and I am slacking off on other areas and so that's why I am being attacked in those areas. These are the things that are going through my head. I have a Joyce Meyers book about prayer that I have read a little bit of. Yesterday I had to get my oil changed and while I waited I went and read. I was reading that same book and happened to be reading about the lies we tell ourselves about our prayer life. Which basically stated that all of these things that I have mentioned are lies. Which I do not that. It just is nice to hear it/read it. I need to have these things engrained in my head and in my heart. Last night was a flash back to the way things were before. I came home from taking karate with Tommy and walked in to a mess that our dog had made, had to make dinner which was trying because I had asked Justin what he wanted, went down and made it and must have misunderstood him because it was not what he wanted and went through I'm not eating it and having Skyler talk to me non stop, clean up the dishes, watch Tommy kick the dog really hard becuse he was digging in the trash and him sit on the couch and watch t.v. while I did all this. I felt mad, aggravated, irritated, was short with answers and just was really trying to hold it all in and be happy little me which I was not. It was so very familiar. I need to remind myself because Tommy did think me for dinner and said it was good. He was wanting to hug me. Which in the past is when I would hug half way or tell him to wait and not show any interest. So praise be to God that I did not do that and it truly is only because of God that I did not. I huged him fully and gave him my attention even when I was fighting against it and did not really feel like hugging. I will not go there again. I will never take for granted a hug from my husband. I will take whatever he has to give me, because I almost lost that. On top of all this, the yard has been driving me crazy. The grass is so tall and needed to be mowed a long time ago and he has not done it. I really try not to say anything because I do not want to be a nag. I have continuned to give it to God and trust that God will deal with Tommy. I did ask if he happened to want me to do it because I knew he had to work and he was not going to be able to do it and he said no. I did pray about doing that and Tommy gave me my answer so I left it at that and have not said another word about it. It is absolutely driving me crazy though because he has time to go work out and do whatever else but he does not have time to mow. This has always been a major issue with me because in the past I would do all the mowing and not let him do it at all and I would mow very very regular so the grass always stated well manicured and right now I feel like we are living in a hay field. So this is really teaching me something. I am really trying my hardest to wait on God and continue to release control to God. Which in that class 2 weeks ago this was one of the topics about how to love your man and listening to the men talk about how they think and feel and how for us to respond and one of the things was how do you get your man to do something around the house that needs to be done without nagging. It suggested share it once with him and than give it to God. God knows. God is the one who can do it. So that is what I am trying to do. It is very very hard. I feel like he just procrastinates all the time and never gets things done. He has the pond to clean out as well that he mentioned the other day that he was going to do it the next day and here we are 3 or 4 days out from when it was mentioned. He did though get the clothesline put up the last time he had days off. This took him well over a week to do. But he did do it on his own without me asking him to do it. He did go to the dump and take trash that same day but of course did not take all it and left bags that should have been obvious. See what is wrong with me. Why am I so anal? I just need to be thankful that he did those things. It might not have been the way I would have done it and that is o.k. He is obviously wire differently than me. Things like that are not as important to him as they are to me. When I do something I like to do it and complete it without stopping. God has made Tommy who he is and God is the one who can do the work in him. I just need to trust that. I am thankful for the things that Tommy did especially when I did not even ask him to finish the clothesline. I did go to God and thank him specifically about that. So again God thank you for the work that has begun. The other night I went to the study that I am doing and asked Tommy if it was o.k. that he would watch Sydney & Skyler. He said of course. And come to find out Tommy had nothing to do with them. Sydney did it all like usual. He closed himself up in his bedroom and told them they were not allowed in. This of course is also an issue of mine because it's like your there dad. Why dont you spend time with them and play with them, interact with them. I am expected to whynot you? Again he has done much better. He has chased them around the house and tickeled them and played hide and seek with them. It just goes it spurts. So I need to be thankful for those times. Which I really am and again have thanked God for those times. I need to remind myself again that Tommy is not like other fathers I see. That he is his own individual and I know that God knows my desires and I need to just keep praying. I dont want Tommy to be exactly like so and so. It's not good to compare. As you can see there is so much going on in my mind and in my heart. There are so many things that I am struggling with, that I need help with. These are the things of the past that I have always had issues with and here they are suddendly all at once being thrown at me to deal with. I have prayed for a long time that when Tommy and I got back together (not knowing that this was going to happen and actually the odds of it happeing were not good - but only by faith in my God this was prayed) that are marriage would be completely different. That it would not be anything like it ever was before. And here are these things popping up. I stand against those things right now and my prayer is that this marriage will contine to be completely different. That's the only thing that I can do is believe. When Tommy's mom prayed for me the other Sunday there were a lot of things that were said in regards to Tommy and I and the things that God has in store for us and the way he is working. Originally I went up for prayer for a lump that I found and there really was not much prayer about that at all, it ended up being about me and issues that I have held onto and about Tommy and I. There was also the prayer from the women at the study that was exact prayers that I have been praying for. So all I can do is trust and believe with all my heart and these things are going to come to pass. That God does know my hopes and desires for me and my husband and my family. "Delight yourself also in the Lord & he shall give you the desires of your heart. Commit your way to the Lord, trust also in him and he shall bring it to pass. Rest in the Lord and wait patiently for him. All this of course happens to be taking place a week before we go on vacation. A vacation I have waited for, for a while now. A vacation that is very important to me, because last year when I took my kids it was originally going to be just us going because Tommy was not at home anymore. By the grace of God Tommy did go. This was definitely an answer to prayer. But when we were there he kept saying that this was going to be the last vacation we would have together as a family. And praise be to God!!!!!! Here we are going again this year. God brought us back together and is allowing us to go again this year. Thank you so much God!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! So this should be a happy exciting time. Looking forward to going on vacation as a family. Right now I dont feel that way because I am being so bombarded with all this other crap. I am being robbed. I have all these issues and emotions that I am dealing with, worries about finances, where is all the money going to come from to take care of getting the dog his shots so he can be boarded, gas for this week, money that I have had to take from the bill money that needs to be replaced with money we were going to use for vacation. There has been absolutely no peace. I really do believe that it will work out and that everything will be provided for. I mean here we are going on vacation together when there was a very very strong chance that we would never again. That is what I am most thankful for. It probably does not sound like it, but I am being honest and putting forth everything that has gone through my mind and what I am struggling with. So I am so very thankful for this vacation. God provided. Along with that we originally planned on going for three days and coming home but because of the tickets that we bought they are good for 7 consecutive days. We already had hotel reservations made for 3 nights so we decided to stay for another night and when I called to do this the first time, I was not able to because of something with our money card. It would not go through probably because I had just spent a lot of money on the tickets. So I had to call back and when I did this the hotel room ended up being 30 dollars cheaper because of a coupon they used for me. So we ended up getting another day at the park and and extra night. So thank you God. So we were able to pay for the hotel and tickets already which leaves us gas, food and boarding for the dog. Tommy was able to sell back 3 days of vacation to use for our trip that will hopefully be on his check right before we leave. So right now things are really tight because there is nothing extra left to spend and even requested his karate check before we go and we have to pay for gas now and dog shots so he was going to have to take money out of savings which basically depletes it. So I can feel the exteme tension in that area. So of course another really big issue right before we leave. I feel like the enemy is really targeting us at this moment and does not want us to enjoy ourselves. I really feel he is trying to do some serious robbing. I originally was going to fast on thursday for our trip because he would be easier to do it than because Tommy will be at work that night and I wont have to really fix a whole awful lot except for the kids so it will make it easier for me. Today which is Tuesday I felt like I needed to fast today not about the trip but about all these attacks. So God that is what I am doing. I am fasting all day and believing that there is going to be a major breakthrough in all of these issues and that there will be some serious warfare going on and battles will be won by my God. EVEN MORE ATTACKS - Well here it is later in the day and all I can say is I am almost completely in tears. For lunch I went to a nearby park and just sat in the car and turned some worsphip music on and sat there and prayed about the things I have written about. Nothing spectacular happened, I didn't feel anything, nothing came to me. It just was a quiet prayer and asking God to please help and just take all these things that I am dealing with. When I left I asked God for some sign, something for me to know that he was there. I opened up by bible and said please speak to me through where ever I turn to. I turned to Psam 107. Which did not really stand out to me. It was like yeah maybe, I dont know, I'm just going to trust it was from God so I need to go home and read in the other bible we have the explanation they give you of what you just read. Moving on. Our dog was suppose to get his shots today so he can be boarded. When I called and made the appointment last week, I told them what he needed I than called again this morning to make sure they knew and to find out how much it was going to cost. So Tommy took him to the vet and our son went in with him in the room so come to find out they asked our son if these were the right shots to give him and he said yes and they were not. So he ended up getting a shot he already had and not getting the one he really needed. So we can bring him back in but will be charged the full amount for the shot which includes a checkup. I called to see about verifying the shots that were given and to state that we should not be charged because it was wrong which according to them they go by what they are told right before the shots are administered. So needless to say I was getting quite frustrated on the phone because we were going to have to pay more money. So I ended up hanging up on the women which I know was not right to do and as I was on the phone with her and after I hung up on her the whole entire time I could just feel this war going on inside of me of you are not acting Godly, you are not being a witness, you say you want to do this and this and look how you are acting. It was some serious condemnation going on. I know that I did wrong and I am so sorry that I could not control myself and let the anger and frustration get the better of me. I am sorry God I really really am. When I talked to the lady she basically told me that maybe my husband should have gone in, in the first place and not let a kid do it. Which frustrates me because yes why did he do that. Why cant he step up and take responsibililty for things he is suppose to do and not always pass it off to someone else. This is what I am dealing with. I am really struggling and having a hard time right now. I can only hope and pray that this will be a lesson to him to do things himself. So when I called him and told him he needed to take the dog back and also pay again for this visit, he received it like I thought. He was not happy and was wondering o.k. now where does this money come from. We really do not have the money to do this. It's not there. We can not just make money appear. So I dont know what he is doing. I keep having the thought of pray together about your finances and see what happens but is that me telling myself that and hoping that if we do this than maybe God will have to do something and money will show up out of the blue. Comeplete honesty here guys. That's not my true thought though. I have thought a couple of times about asking to pray about our finances. This is where the faith comes in to play. I dont want to manipulate God or control God which I know I can't do. I can not give myself that kind of power. God can not be manipulated. So I just need to get that thought out of my head. So do I do this? How receptive will Tommy be to this request. We have done it before and God has blessed us tremendously. I just really want to make sure I do it with a pure heart and not with a selfish, greedy heart. I just need to trust and release it to God and let him do whatever it is that needs to be done. Maybe we dont see anything in monatary value but maybe it will be in spiritual value. I dont know. Please help me God. I dont want to analyze or box God in. I want him to do what he knows is best and what he wants to do but I believe he does want us to expect and so I'm going to expect God to move and let me know if I am to ask Tommy and if we do happen to pray I am believing that God has something in store for us. So God please forgive me for the way I acted on the phone with the lady and the way that I handled myself. I know it was completely out of line. Again a flash back to the old me. The way I would behave. Quite the running theme here today. I am still fasting. I said I was going to fast today and believe in some major break throughs and cleansing and flushing out. Believing in some major battles to be won. So even through all this and my complete helplessness I am still not going to back down and let the enemy get the best of me. I am sticking with my God and I am just believing that this was an attempt from the enemy to shake me up and make me question and give up but I'm not doing it. I know that I messed up but by the grace of God I am forgiven. I am not a perfect person and never will be. God is the perfect one. I am so thankful that I am covered by the blood of the lamb. I am under God's protection. My marriage, my family as a unit and each of us individually is under God's protection. I really do need to see you right now though God. I need a glimpse of you please. Tommy just called and he is back from the vet and he seemed in better spirits and was rationalizing the money spent and what he has done to provide. All I can do is encourage. So of course the thought that is going through my mind is o.k. now you dont need to ask to pray. How so completely wrong is that. God I ask if I am to ask Tommy to pray God please give me an opportunity to do that and I pray that your presence will be there and that Tommy will see your hand in the outcome. I pray that this will speak to Tommy and that something will occur to boost Tommy's faith. And I am not saying that so I can receive any benefit or anything like that. I truly want to see Tommy believe and see his answer to the question that was asked us at church one day "Do you know that God exists? His answer was I dont know. So I really want to see that I dont know turn into YES I DO KNOW. So God please come. Please.