Attacked

There is a battle going on. One that I cannot fight on my own and dont want to. I dont have what it takes. I dont have the strength. I feel like I am being attacked in numerous areas of my life. It's amazing the ups and downs that I go through. The really good and the really bad. The only thing that I can do is remind myself of everything that God has done. The way he has shown up, the way he has spoken to me and just knowing what he has done in me. I have been praying for a cleansing, to be flushed out for both Tommy and me. I have asked God to come and do what needs to be done. I've prayed for more of God. I have asked him to bring it on. Those are possibly requests that could be very hard. I dont know what any of that means. I dont know what God has in store. All I can do is trust that it's going to be o.k., because God is in control. Everyday I try to lay at his feet my issues and questions and doubts and fears and ask him to please take them and be in control. I can only believe that he is. In home group we have been studying I Peter and within this has been the topic of inner beauty. Not adorning yourself on the outside with jewelery, makeup, hair, clothes but becoming beautiful on the inside. Wives, in the same way be submissive to your husbands so that, if any of them do not believe the word, they may be won over without words by the behavior of their wives, when they see the purity and reverence of your lives. Your beauty should not come from woutward adornment, such as braided hair and the wearing of gold jewelry and fine clothes. Instead, it should be that of your inner self, the unfading beauty of a gentle and quiet spirit, which is of great worth in God's sight. In the study I am doing at church, last weeks topic was this same reference about inner beauty - the unfading beauty of a gentle and quiet spirit. At church on Sunday this was also mentioned at one point. Is God saying something to me or what? Is this what God is doing? Is God working in me and bringing forth an inner beauty. If he is, I'm really struggling. I'm failing, I'm seeing the ugly, the bad, the things that I have struggled with in the past. The things that brought forth bad attitudes. Definitely not an inner beauty!! There is such a battle going on in my head of am I doing this right, am I praying right, are my prayers not being heard because I've been praying at night time and keep falling asleep. I'm not getting all my prayers in, I've got so much to pray for and about that I just cant get it in. So I feel like I'm not covering everything that I need to cover and I am slacking off on other areas and so that's why I am being attacked in those areas. These are the things that are going through my head. I have a Joyce Meyers book about prayer that I have read a little bit of. Yesterday I had to get my oil changed and while I waited I went and read. I was reading that same book and happened to be reading about the lies we tell ourselves about our prayer life. Which basically stated that all of these things that I have mentioned are lies. Which I do not that. It just is nice to hear it/read it. I need to have these things engrained in my head and in my heart. Last night was a flash back to the way things were before. I came home from taking karate with Tommy and walked in to a mess that our dog had made, had to make dinner which was trying because I had asked Justin what he wanted, went down and made it and must have misunderstood him because it was not what he wanted and went through I'm not eating it and having Skyler talk to me non stop, clean up the dishes, watch Tommy kick the dog really hard becuse he was digging in the trash and him sit on the couch and watch t.v. while I did all this. I felt mad, aggravated, irritated, was short with answers and just was really trying to hold it all in and be happy little me which I was not. It was so very familiar. I need to remind myself because Tommy did think me for dinner and said it was good. He was wanting to hug me. Which in the past is when I would hug half way or tell him to wait and not show any interest. So praise be to God that I did not do that and it truly is only because of God that I did not. I huged him fully and gave him my attention even when I was fighting against it and did not really feel like hugging. I will not go there again. I will never take for granted a hug from my husband. I will take whatever he has to give me, because I almost lost that. On top of all this, the yard has been driving me crazy. The grass is so tall and needed to be mowed a long time ago and he has not done it. I really try not to say anything because I do not want to be a nag. I have continuned to give it to God and trust that God will deal with Tommy. I did ask if he happened to want me to do it because I knew he had to work and he was not going to be able to do it and he said no. I did pray about doing that and Tommy gave me my answer so I left it at that and have not said another word about it. It is absolutely driving me crazy though because he has time to go work out and do whatever else but he does not have time to mow. This has always been a major issue with me because in the past I would do all the mowing and not let him do it at all and I would mow very very regular so the grass always stated well manicured and right now I feel like we are living in a hay field. So this is really teaching me something. I am really trying my hardest to wait on God and continue to release control to God. Which in that class 2 weeks ago this was one of the topics about how to love your man and listening to the men talk about how they think and feel and how for us to respond and one of the things was how do you get your man to do something around the house that needs to be done without nagging. It suggested share it once with him and than give it to God. God knows. God is the one who can do it. So that is what I am trying to do. It is very very hard. I feel like he just procrastinates all the time and never gets things done. He has the pond to clean out as well that he mentioned the other day that he was going to do it the next day and here we are 3 or 4 days out from when it was mentioned. He did though get the clothesline put up the last time he had days off. This took him well over a week to do. But he did do it on his own without me asking him to do it. He did go to the dump and take trash that same day but of course did not take all it and left bags that should have been obvious. See what is wrong with me. Why am I so anal? I just need to be thankful that he did those things. It might not have been the way I would have done it and that is o.k. He is obviously wire differently than me. Things like that are not as important to him as they are to me. When I do something I like to do it and complete it without stopping. God has made Tommy who he is and God is the one who can do the work in him. I just need to trust that. I am thankful for the things that Tommy did especially when I did not even ask him to finish the clothesline. I did go to God and thank him specifically about that. So again God thank you for the work that has begun. The other night I went to the study that I am doing and asked Tommy if it was o.k. that he would watch Sydney & Skyler. He said of course. And come to find out Tommy had nothing to do with them. Sydney did it all like usual. He closed himself up in his bedroom and told them they were not allowed in. This of course is also an issue of mine because it's like your there dad. Why dont you spend time with them and play with them, interact with them. I am expected to whynot you? Again he has done much better. He has chased them around the house and tickeled them and played hide and seek with them. It just goes it spurts. So I need to be thankful for those times. Which I really am and again have thanked God for those times. I need to remind myself again that Tommy is not like other fathers I see. That he is his own individual and I know that God knows my desires and I need to just keep praying. I dont want Tommy to be exactly like so and so. It's not good to compare. As you can see there is so much going on in my mind and in my heart. There are so many things that I am struggling with, that I need help with. These are the things of the past that I have always had issues with and here they are suddendly all at once being thrown at me to deal with. I have prayed for a long time that when Tommy and I got back together (not knowing that this was going to happen and actually the odds of it happeing were not good - but only by faith in my God this was prayed) that are marriage would be completely different. That it would not be anything like it ever was before. And here are these things popping up. I stand against those things right now and my prayer is that this marriage will contine to be completely different. That's the only thing that I can do is believe. When Tommy's mom prayed for me the other Sunday there were a lot of things that were said in regards to Tommy and I and the things that God has in store for us and the way he is working. Originally I went up for prayer for a lump that I found and there really was not much prayer about that at all, it ended up being about me and issues that I have held onto and about Tommy and I. There was also the prayer from the women at the study that was exact prayers that I have been praying for. So all I can do is trust and believe with all my heart and these things are going to come to pass. That God does know my hopes and desires for me and my husband and my family. "Delight yourself also in the Lord & he shall give you the desires of your heart. Commit your way to the Lord, trust also in him and he shall bring it to pass. Rest in the Lord and wait patiently for him. All this of course happens to be taking place a week before we go on vacation. A vacation I have waited for, for a while now. A vacation that is very important to me, because last year when I took my kids it was originally going to be just us going because Tommy was not at home anymore. By the grace of God Tommy did go. This was definitely an answer to prayer. But when we were there he kept saying that this was going to be the last vacation we would have together as a family. And praise be to God!!!!!! Here we are going again this year. God brought us back together and is allowing us to go again this year. Thank you so much God!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! So this should be a happy exciting time. Looking forward to going on vacation as a family. Right now I dont feel that way because I am being so bombarded with all this other crap. I am being robbed. I have all these issues and emotions that I am dealing with, worries about finances, where is all the money going to come from to take care of getting the dog his shots so he can be boarded, gas for this week, money that I have had to take from the bill money that needs to be replaced with money we were going to use for vacation. There has been absolutely no peace. I really do believe that it will work out and that everything will be provided for. I mean here we are going on vacation together when there was a very very strong chance that we would never again. That is what I am most thankful for. It probably does not sound like it, but I am being honest and putting forth everything that has gone through my mind and what I am struggling with. So I am so very thankful for this vacation. God provided. Along with that we originally planned on going for three days and coming home but because of the tickets that we bought they are good for 7 consecutive days. We already had hotel reservations made for 3 nights so we decided to stay for another night and when I called to do this the first time, I was not able to because of something with our money card. It would not go through probably because I had just spent a lot of money on the tickets. So I had to call back and when I did this the hotel room ended up being 30 dollars cheaper because of a coupon they used for me. So we ended up getting another day at the park and and extra night. So thank you God. So we were able to pay for the hotel and tickets already which leaves us gas, food and boarding for the dog. Tommy was able to sell back 3 days of vacation to use for our trip that will hopefully be on his check right before we leave. So right now things are really tight because there is nothing extra left to spend and even requested his karate check before we go and we have to pay for gas now and dog shots so he was going to have to take money out of savings which basically depletes it. So I can feel the exteme tension in that area. So of course another really big issue right before we leave. I feel like the enemy is really targeting us at this moment and does not want us to enjoy ourselves. I really feel he is trying to do some serious robbing. I originally was going to fast on thursday for our trip because he would be easier to do it than because Tommy will be at work that night and I wont have to really fix a whole awful lot except for the kids so it will make it easier for me. Today which is Tuesday I felt like I needed to fast today not about the trip but about all these attacks. So God that is what I am doing. I am fasting all day and believing that there is going to be a major breakthrough in all of these issues and that there will be some serious warfare going on and battles will be won by my God. EVEN MORE ATTACKS - Well here it is later in the day and all I can say is I am almost completely in tears. For lunch I went to a nearby park and just sat in the car and turned some worsphip music on and sat there and prayed about the things I have written about. Nothing spectacular happened, I didn't feel anything, nothing came to me. It just was a quiet prayer and asking God to please help and just take all these things that I am dealing with. When I left I asked God for some sign, something for me to know that he was there. I opened up by bible and said please speak to me through where ever I turn to. I turned to Psam 107. Which did not really stand out to me. It was like yeah maybe, I dont know, I'm just going to trust it was from God so I need to go home and read in the other bible we have the explanation they give you of what you just read. Moving on. Our dog was suppose to get his shots today so he can be boarded. When I called and made the appointment last week, I told them what he needed I than called again this morning to make sure they knew and to find out how much it was going to cost. So Tommy took him to the vet and our son went in with him in the room so come to find out they asked our son if these were the right shots to give him and he said yes and they were not. So he ended up getting a shot he already had and not getting the one he really needed. So we can bring him back in but will be charged the full amount for the shot which includes a checkup. I called to see about verifying the shots that were given and to state that we should not be charged because it was wrong which according to them they go by what they are told right before the shots are administered. So needless to say I was getting quite frustrated on the phone because we were going to have to pay more money. So I ended up hanging up on the women which I know was not right to do and as I was on the phone with her and after I hung up on her the whole entire time I could just feel this war going on inside of me of you are not acting Godly, you are not being a witness, you say you want to do this and this and look how you are acting. It was some serious condemnation going on. I know that I did wrong and I am so sorry that I could not control myself and let the anger and frustration get the better of me. I am sorry God I really really am. When I talked to the lady she basically told me that maybe my husband should have gone in, in the first place and not let a kid do it. Which frustrates me because yes why did he do that. Why cant he step up and take responsibililty for things he is suppose to do and not always pass it off to someone else. This is what I am dealing with. I am really struggling and having a hard time right now. I can only hope and pray that this will be a lesson to him to do things himself. So when I called him and told him he needed to take the dog back and also pay again for this visit, he received it like I thought. He was not happy and was wondering o.k. now where does this money come from. We really do not have the money to do this. It's not there. We can not just make money appear. So I dont know what he is doing. I keep having the thought of pray together about your finances and see what happens but is that me telling myself that and hoping that if we do this than maybe God will have to do something and money will show up out of the blue. Comeplete honesty here guys. That's not my true thought though. I have thought a couple of times about asking to pray about our finances. This is where the faith comes in to play. I dont want to manipulate God or control God which I know I can't do. I can not give myself that kind of power. God can not be manipulated. So I just need to get that thought out of my head. So do I do this? How receptive will Tommy be to this request. We have done it before and God has blessed us tremendously. I just really want to make sure I do it with a pure heart and not with a selfish, greedy heart. I just need to trust and release it to God and let him do whatever it is that needs to be done. Maybe we dont see anything in monatary value but maybe it will be in spiritual value. I dont know. Please help me God. I dont want to analyze or box God in. I want him to do what he knows is best and what he wants to do but I believe he does want us to expect and so I'm going to expect God to move and let me know if I am to ask Tommy and if we do happen to pray I am believing that God has something in store for us. So God please forgive me for the way I acted on the phone with the lady and the way that I handled myself. I know it was completely out of line. Again a flash back to the old me. The way I would behave. Quite the running theme here today. I am still fasting. I said I was going to fast today and believe in some major break throughs and cleansing and flushing out. Believing in some major battles to be won. So even through all this and my complete helplessness I am still not going to back down and let the enemy get the best of me. I am sticking with my God and I am just believing that this was an attempt from the enemy to shake me up and make me question and give up but I'm not doing it. I know that I messed up but by the grace of God I am forgiven. I am not a perfect person and never will be. God is the perfect one. I am so thankful that I am covered by the blood of the lamb. I am under God's protection. My marriage, my family as a unit and each of us individually is under God's protection. I really do need to see you right now though God. I need a glimpse of you please. Tommy just called and he is back from the vet and he seemed in better spirits and was rationalizing the money spent and what he has done to provide. All I can do is encourage. So of course the thought that is going through my mind is o.k. now you dont need to ask to pray. How so completely wrong is that. God I ask if I am to ask Tommy to pray God please give me an opportunity to do that and I pray that your presence will be there and that Tommy will see your hand in the outcome. I pray that this will speak to Tommy and that something will occur to boost Tommy's faith. And I am not saying that so I can receive any benefit or anything like that. I truly want to see Tommy believe and see his answer to the question that was asked us at church one day "Do you know that God exists? His answer was I dont know. So I really want to see that I dont know turn into YES I DO KNOW. So God please come. Please.

An update from Friday the 18th

My post from friday was a call out to God. It was a really hard day and I needed a touch from God. I did my normal routine by praying on the way home. I was thanking God for the opportunity to be able to write what I did and just continuing to pray about giving me peace and being able to reqinquish all control to God. Praying that I just needed to see him. We were suppose to go to the parade that night but the last I talked to Tommy, I left it as I did not know if I wanted to go. Especially with how the day had gone. When I talked to him before I left work I shared about maybe not going because of money and wasn't sure if he wanted to go. He decided that we would just go to the parade and come home which was fine. Because I originlly also thought about wanting to go out on a date with him since we had not done that for a while and him not asking me. So during the day he had called me to see if I wanted to go to lunch with him so that's when I spoke up about the parade and mentioned about going out with him instead and for him to decide what to do. I did not want him to go out with me if he did not want to. So that's when he mentioned about going to the parade and that was all and than us going out to lunch together which was fine. So when I got home Justin's friend was still there and Tommy mentioned about him staying the night again. We did go to the parade but since we had Justin's friend there as well we ended up going to the lawn party as well because we needed to feed everybody. Now on Friday's it is really busy and hardly no room to move. Tommy first of all when I got home was in good spirits and threw me down on the bed and it just was really nice. He wanted to do what he good to make Justin's friend feel at home and welcome so he was willing to take from savings to make up for any expense for the night. Now at the lawn party Tommy was wonderful. He was so patient, and easy going. It was just an absolutely wonderful night. I really had a good time with him and he was wonderful with the kids. Usually he does not do very well in crowds but he was wonderful. Sat I had definite things that I wanted to get done. We woke up and we were able to be together in the morning and mentioned about going downstairs to finish watching a movie he started last night. I wanted to take Skyler to go get her hair cut and so he decided to go with us to do that which was really nice. Afterwards we went to the grocery store and he wanted to take her himself to look for a brush for her. Couldn't find one so he took Skyler himself to Family Dollar to buy her one. That was so very nice to be able to see him do that just for her and to want to do that. We went home, he finished watching his movie while I cooked breakfast and than we went outside to work on our clothesline that we were installing. Now normally when I start a project I have got to finish it. I do not like things to go uncompleted. He got the holes dug, one pole in and cement in that one hole buy than he wanted to stop because I had to go in and cook for a picnic that night at his parents house and he had to get ready. So we did not finish the project and the plan was to do it on Sunday. So only by the grace of God I was completely o.k. with it not being finished and let it roll right off my shoulders. In the past this would not have been the case. So thank you God. Thank evening was a picnic for a couple from England. Originally Tommy told me he did not want to go but I found out on Friday that we were going and he had told his mom and dad that we would be there. So thank you for that. This is the people he went on a missions trip to go help. And this is where a lot of hurtful things were produced from me to Tommy. So I am so thankful for the fact that Tommy was willing to go and I hope and pray that it stirred up a desire in him to want to go back and help. It's interesting because he swore that he would never go back and that was it because of the things that I said that brought forth so much hurt. Recently there has been a lot about England and this group because of taking them on and praying for them in our home group specifically about marriages. And the one particulay marriage is the lady that Tommy had prayed for when he was there himself. So there are ties that are coming together or being brought forth that is hopefully leading Tommy to wanting to go back and maybe even Tommy and I. This goes back to a prayer that I have been believeing in about our marriage being used and us being used as a couple to pray for others. I was even believing this when Tommy was not at home. So it is neat to see it coming up right now and being so present with our home group and a home group that we had a long time ago. So thank you God that we were able to be there Sat night and be a part of that. Sunday Tommy had a tournament that we went to in PA. He decided not to compete to help save money which was very nice of him. We were able to just be there together and he wore his wedding ring both Sat and Sun which was absolutely wonderful for me and that morning as we were getting ready he asked me if I wanted to get a shower with him. He has not asked this in a very very long time. Not since he has been back home. Before I would always tell him no and when he asked I didnt answer and was already doing my hair becuase I did not want to get it wet because it would take me longer to get ready but I immediately felt that I needed to say yes and so I did. Which I am so thankful for. Thank you God for his invitation. That same day he came up and just hugged me for no reason, he held my hand, and we had a wonderful day. After the tournament we went out to eat and than went to the mall. Sydney and Skyler was with us and again he was so patient with them. I cant even begin to tell you what a wonderful day I had. When we came back home we were suppose to go to my mom and dad's house for a cookout. Tommy was very good about being there and he even went out and played a game with Sydney and watched Skyler ride her tricycle. He was not hurrying to leave which he has done in the past. It was so nice. The whole day was amazing. On this day Tommy was doing a lot of picking on Justin and giving him a hard time which if you did not know better you would think he was being mean or the things he was saying was hurtful. Which in a way I think it was bothering Justin. So Sunday night we were upstairs and I kind of mentioned to him about maybe not picking on him so much that I thought it might possibly be bothering him. I was able to say it just in passing so it was not nagging or controling I believe it was the way God enabled me to do it with words that were not accusatory but were positive. That evening Tommy, Justin, and I were downstairs watching a movie. Tommy laid down on the floor and at one point asked Justin if he wanted a hug. He told Justin he had only one left and that he was going to give it to me. You could see that Justin wanted to hug him and paused and than he went down with Tommy and hugged him. It absolutely touched my heart because Justin humble himself and allowed him to be open to his dad and was not worried about being to much of a man that he did not want a hug. You could truly see in Justin's face he wanted a hug. Thank you more than I could possibly say for that God. I pray with all my heart that it touched both Tommy and Justin and that there will be lots and lots more hugs to come between them. It was very special to see and I pray that it blessed both of them whether they realize it or not. Justin has mentioned to me about wanting to go to Florida to see the revival. For him to want to go is amazing because he does not like meetings like that so I have prayed about it and have hoped that I could possibly take him. I just dont know how I could do it. So I have put the word out there to see if anybody else was going that maybe we could go with them. I have not heard anything back about it. So Sat night at that picnic I on the spur of the moment asked Holly if she had gone and mentioned that Justin wanted to go and that I was looking into it. Thats about all that was said. Sunday night I got a call from her inquiring about it and what I was thinking of doing and she would like to go and that it had stirred something inside of her when I mentioned it and from the sounds of it had already talked to Tim about it and prayed about it. So once I told her what I was thinking of she was going to talk to Tim more about it and pray more specifically about it. So thank you God for that and I hope we are able to go because I would really like Justin to be able to go. When Justin first mentioned about wanting to go Tommy made it clear that he did not want to go. So it would be wonderful if he decided to go but the only time he could go would be when we get back from out vacation because he has one more week of vacation that he has taken and it's another week once we are back. He wouldnt be able to take anymore. So I just give that to God and pray that God's will, will be done. That if Tommy is meant to go, God will arrange it and if any of us is meant to go, God will make it happen. So I just give all that to you God. I just really want to say thank you so much God for an absolutely positively wonderful weekend. Thank you for everything that happened, for every prayer that was answered and for blessing me tremendously. It is truly only because of you God. You are the reason for all of this. Just refer back to my previous blog. Thank you is not enough to express my gratitude. Thank you for everything that you have done in this marriage and family and I continue to pray for more of you. It's been neat to see what has happened and the way things tie together and I am so excited to see what is to come. I know that you have wonderful things planned for Tommy and I as individuals, as a couple, as a family. For our jobs, our desires, our gifts you have blessed us with and especially our walk with you. I can not wait to see what you have in store for us. I believe, I believe, I believe!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Help!

This post is basically a note to God. God I need your help! I am trying so hard to be a faithful and obiedient dauther. I have been through some really hard times. Some hardest things that I have ever in my life been through and I have witnessed you there helping me, speaking to me, and showing me that your were right there. I do know that and I am so thankful for that. You have done so much for me that I truly do not deserve. There have been so many prayers that you have answered and you have answered things that I have not even prayed about yet. God I am trying to hard to believe and trust. There should be no reason that I doubt at all with all the things you have shown me, but God I am really struggling with being at peace and not being insecure. Tommy's actions toward me are so up & down. I want to know that I am completely and totally loved. There are moments when I know it and he gives me a kiss or hugs me on his own and holds my hand for a brief moment and there are other times that God he seems distant, uninterested and there is no affection. I hate being needy. God I am trying so hard to do things for him to show him that I love him and hug him and kiss him but I feel that his response is not enough. What is wrong with me. How do I feel complete peace and let him be him and not analyze everything that he does or says. I know that he probably senses that and I'm sure that it irritates him. I get so upset over everything. I want him to love me for who I am, for who you have made me to be. I truly do not want to be somebody that I am not. I want to be loved unconditionally by my husband. I want him to desire me. I want him to have only eyes for me and fall in love with me all over again. I want to be the wife that he deserves, that he has wanted and waited for, for such a long time. I want us to be so in love with each other. I want this marriage to be unlike it ever was before. Completely and totally different. I want this marriage to be filled up with you and be completely renovated by you. On my way to work this morning as I was praying I was reminded that within this past month I have been prayed for by a group of women I've been meeting with at church and at a different time by Linda. Now I have prayed for things over Tommy for a long time now and over this marriage. In both times of prayer with these people, the things that were prayed were the very same things that I have been praying for. This shows me that God is hearing me and he is letting me know that by these prayers being spoken to me by others that do not know what I have been praying. So I do belive with all my heart that God is answering, it's just in his own time and his own way which is o.k. because from the beginning I have said that I dont want it to be my way or Tommy's way. I want it to be Gods way. So I have to hold on to those prayers that have been prayed especially since they have been duplicates of what I have prayed. My trust has got to be in God I just feel as if I am being completely attacked right now by all kinds of lies and doubts that the enemy is putting into my head. I ask you God please please please take these lies and doubts away. Please take these insecurities away. I know that we dont receive things by works, by things that we do. I know that you want us to be obedient. I have said from the very beginning of when things were falling apart that no matter what I would not slip away from you and I still am as strong in that feeling as ever. I am trying so hard to fight through all the attacks and give them all to you and ask you on a regular basis to take all these things captive. I need you God. I have seen you in amazing ways that I have never seen you before and I know that you are for me and for this marriage. You gave me a promise through lightening 3 very specific times that Tommy and I are to be together. I know that you do not break promises. I do know however that we have our own free will and that we have the choice to do things on our own. My prayer is God that you would please guard both Tommy's and my decisions and actions and choices. The enemy knows what buttons to push, he knows what irritaes us the most and I just want to stand against those things and ask God that you would please protect us. Help me God. Change me God. Change my heart where it is not right. God you know what I am struggling with, with all the insecurities. Please give me a supernatural peace God. Help me God just be able to release it to you. Today I am really struggling with the fact that he has not been holding me at night, or that we have not gone out on a date. That he seems distant. But you know I just had the thought that the other day. He asked me what was wrong and genuienly seemed to want to know. There are moments and times that it comes through. I just feel like I am expecting to much and maybe I am. Please help me God. Help me be satisfied, help me not to be so needy that it is detremental to us. Help me find that balance and receive from him what he is ready to give. I am so thankful for every little kiss that he gives me and every hug, every action that relays love. I really really am. I will never take those things for granted. I am just wanting so bad for this marriage to be better than ever for him to be filled up with the holy spirit and love God with all his heart. I can not make that happen. I know that but I am just wanting it so bad I cant stand it. I do know that it is coming that I have to wait. Rest in the Lord & wait patiently for him. It's so hard to do especially when I feel like there is always something wrong. Which I know is a lie from the enemy. I need to stop falling into that and when I feel like that just immediately give it to you. I know that God brings forth life not death. So God please breathe new life into this marriage. I know that this marriage has gone through many years of hurts and wounds that have been extremely damaging and that things are not just going to be better in a blink of an eye. That it is going to take awhile to bring forth complete healing. I know that God is the only one who can heal those things in Tommy. I cant do it. I dont have what it takes. I know that God is the only one who can bring forth freedom. I pray for that so badly in both Tommy and I. I pray that those areas that have been so damaged with be completely healed. I pray that Tommy and I will both look back at this and be so strong is those areas and be so completely different in those areas that it would be unfathomable to think that there was ever a problem. I need to trust 100%. Which I really truly do know in my heart that, that is true. It's just doing it. Help me God when I am not feeling that love from him I pray that you God will fill me up with your love, that I would feel it no matter what because if I am not getting it from him I will know in my heart that I am getting it from you. Help me no matter what be the loving wife to him. Even if I am not receiving it from him help me to be able to give it to him. Fill me up to where I am completely overflowing that I cant keep it for myself. God I love my husband so much and I am sorry if everything seems to completely revolve around him and me and this marriage. Thank you for the desires that you have given me for this marriage and for wanting to be loved and I know that they will come to pass. Psalm 37:4-7. Delight yourself also in the Lord, and he shall give you the desires of your heart. Commit your heart. Commit your way to the Lord, trust alson in him and he shall bring it to pass. Rest in the Lord and wait patiently for him. Thank you Lord. Today has been really hard. I thank you that last night the meeting with the women was about loving your man. I needed that. Please remind me of what I can do and what I need to do. I need to see you God. I need to feel the love from my husband right now. Without me having to tell him that I need it. I want him to be able to give it to me on his own. I want kisses, I want hugs, I want him to hold my hand, I want him to hold me at night, I want him to pinch me on the butt, I want him to put his arm around me, I want him to lay me down on his shoulder, I want him to want me to sit beside him, I want him to want to go out on a date with me, I want him to say that he loves me and say it from the heart, I want him to be passionate with me, I want him to desire me. I want there to be so much love between us that it is completely unquenchable. I want that 2nd honeymoon. I want that party, that celebration where both of us will stand before church and give our testimonies and be used to share it with others to strengthen their belief in you God. I want to renew our vows, I want that communion, that baptism, those songs to be played, those versed to be read. I want to celebrate you. I want you to be the guest of honor at the party. The party is to be held for you. I want people to see our marriage and say wow, thats the way I want our marriage to be. I want our marriage to be used to heal other marriages. I want this marriage to glorify you God. There has been so much that has happened in this marriage that we should not still be together but only by the Grace of God is this marriage still together. Thank you, Thank you, Thank you. I want what the enemy wanted to be bad and where he wanted destruction to be used to bring glory and happiness and love and peace and goodness and healing and restoration. I want you to be glorified through all that has happened. Please God help me. Get me through these tough times. Get me through these emotions and guard my mind, my heart and my soul. Help me be filled with you father God. I pray that when Tommy sees me, he sees you. I pray that he will feel an unsurmountable amount of peace and love. I pray that he will be drawn away from the lies and evils that reside within him and that he would be freed. I pray that he will be filled up with the holy spirit. I pray that you will use him in ways that neither of us could possibly imagine. I pray that you will allow those gifts that you have given him to be used to bring hundreds and thousands of people into your kingdom. I pray that you will use the gifts that you have given both me and Tommy that compliment one another to reach out to others and bring them to you. Please God use us as husband and wife. Unite us together. I pray that this marriage will be so completely different, that we would have never imagined or been able to create or come up with what it is going to be like. I have seen in other areas times that I have prayed and my prayers have been answered they were answered over and above what I had hoped for so God I know that marriages are creations from you. You have kept us together through the toughest of times so I can only believe that there is something coming that will blow us out of the water and knock us off of our feet and will be better than we could imagine. Please help me stay focused on you. When my mind starts to wander and I start to feel insecure please God draw me back to you. I need you. I love you God and I need you!

Thank You's

I've been feeling that I need to just write down a list of thank you's and I have procrastinated in doing this, so here it goes:

Thank you.......

• Thank you for bringing my husband back to me last year on July 7th.
• For the changes that you have done in my life
• For the changes your have done in Tommy
• for my family
• for my house and the way you provided it for us with every little detail completely handled by you.
• for your signs of lightening
• for your words that you have given me
• for scriptures that you have led me to
• for the trip to Busch Gardens last year and having Tommy go with us
• for the trip to Busch Gardens this year with Tommy and the kids when last year was suppose to be the last trip together as a family
• for providing the money to be able to go last year and working out all the details
• for allowing us to already have the hotel and tickets paid for this year and providing an extra night and day than originally planned.
• for all the hugs, kisses from Tommy that I had been praying for, for a long time
• for his putting his arm around me
• for him telling me he loves me just because.
• for all the compromising that we have been able to do between one another
• for the visions or analogy's you have given me
• for the vision or analogy of the house last year and giving it back to me when I questioned if it was me making it up or not by putting on paper that was created for a time at the womens retreat. It was exactly what the analogy was about plus so much more.
• Thank you for prayer meetings that I have attended that the prayers have been related to my situation and prayers that were prayed was as if the person praying was sitting right there listening to me pray and prayed the same exact thing
• for prayers a couple of weeks ago that was prayed over me that had about 4 or 5 of the same exact things that I have been praying.
• Thank you for showing me that your do hear my prayers by hearing it spoken outloud by people who have no idea about what my prayers have been
• Thank you for the battles that have been fought through my fasting.
• Thank you for cleaning out and flushing out in me and Tommy. I know that it is happening because once I started praying for that, things were really being thrown at me and happening that has to do with issues in the past that would have caused clogs or blockages
• Thank you for prayer from Tommy's mom the other Sunday that I know was God led.
• Thank you for the promises that you have spoken for Tommy and me and our marriage and family
• Thank you for the things that are to come that you have promised
• Thank you for the analogy of a volcano that I received yesterday. It was as if Tommy was a volcano and the lava inside was stirring and bubbling and building up with pressure and the lava is so hot that whatever it touches it completely melts away and so I believe as it is building up inside of Tommy it is melting away all the hardness and junk/crap that should not be there and erupting pouring out of him and spreading out amongst others to melt away all the hardness in others.
• Thank you for the other day when I was able to sit down and journal. Thank you for the things that flowed out of me.
• Thank you for the relationships that are being healed and rebuilt.
• Thank you for the wounds and hurts that you are healing
• Thank you for new beginnings. I was told 2008 was a year of new beginnings and so I am trusting that this marriage is becoming completely new this year. That it is going to be unlike it has ever been before. Thank you for new.
• Thank your for already showing me and allowing me to see things that have already been different
• Thank you that you have a plan for Tommy and me and for this marriage.
• Thank you for what you want us to do and where you are going to put us. I believe there is something coming that you are preparing Tommy and I for that is going to use us in a way to go out and reach other marriages, families and that you have given both Tommy and I giftings that compliment on another and will be used to bring forth Glory to you by ministery, healing, prayer, teaching.
• Thank you for the word of traveling. I believe it has to do with what is to come. I know I may seen naive and maybe hoping for a fairytale. But I believe it is coming. I am waiting for Tommy and I to be so united with each other, so in love with one another that when people look at us and see us they wouldn't possibly be able to imagine the things that we have gone through. That they would not see that but they would see a love between us that could only possibly come from you. And that love is going to be used to reach others and heal others in their marriages and familys. Not to glorify me or bring attention to me but to put out there the true grace of God and goodness of God. To share who God is and what he has done in our lives. I am praying for a major transformation in our lives. I believe it, I claim it and I say thank you.
• Thank you for the faith you are building up inside of me.
• Thank you that you love me
• Thank you, thank you, thank you for everything. There is so much more I know that I need to thank you for, but for the things that I have not mentioned please no how thankful I am for all of it.