Help!

This post is basically a note to God. God I need your help! I am trying so hard to be a faithful and obiedient dauther. I have been through some really hard times. Some hardest things that I have ever in my life been through and I have witnessed you there helping me, speaking to me, and showing me that your were right there. I do know that and I am so thankful for that. You have done so much for me that I truly do not deserve. There have been so many prayers that you have answered and you have answered things that I have not even prayed about yet. God I am trying to hard to believe and trust. There should be no reason that I doubt at all with all the things you have shown me, but God I am really struggling with being at peace and not being insecure. Tommy's actions toward me are so up & down. I want to know that I am completely and totally loved. There are moments when I know it and he gives me a kiss or hugs me on his own and holds my hand for a brief moment and there are other times that God he seems distant, uninterested and there is no affection. I hate being needy. God I am trying so hard to do things for him to show him that I love him and hug him and kiss him but I feel that his response is not enough. What is wrong with me. How do I feel complete peace and let him be him and not analyze everything that he does or says. I know that he probably senses that and I'm sure that it irritates him. I get so upset over everything. I want him to love me for who I am, for who you have made me to be. I truly do not want to be somebody that I am not. I want to be loved unconditionally by my husband. I want him to desire me. I want him to have only eyes for me and fall in love with me all over again. I want to be the wife that he deserves, that he has wanted and waited for, for such a long time. I want us to be so in love with each other. I want this marriage to be unlike it ever was before. Completely and totally different. I want this marriage to be filled up with you and be completely renovated by you. On my way to work this morning as I was praying I was reminded that within this past month I have been prayed for by a group of women I've been meeting with at church and at a different time by Linda. Now I have prayed for things over Tommy for a long time now and over this marriage. In both times of prayer with these people, the things that were prayed were the very same things that I have been praying for. This shows me that God is hearing me and he is letting me know that by these prayers being spoken to me by others that do not know what I have been praying. So I do belive with all my heart that God is answering, it's just in his own time and his own way which is o.k. because from the beginning I have said that I dont want it to be my way or Tommy's way. I want it to be Gods way. So I have to hold on to those prayers that have been prayed especially since they have been duplicates of what I have prayed. My trust has got to be in God I just feel as if I am being completely attacked right now by all kinds of lies and doubts that the enemy is putting into my head. I ask you God please please please take these lies and doubts away. Please take these insecurities away. I know that we dont receive things by works, by things that we do. I know that you want us to be obedient. I have said from the very beginning of when things were falling apart that no matter what I would not slip away from you and I still am as strong in that feeling as ever. I am trying so hard to fight through all the attacks and give them all to you and ask you on a regular basis to take all these things captive. I need you God. I have seen you in amazing ways that I have never seen you before and I know that you are for me and for this marriage. You gave me a promise through lightening 3 very specific times that Tommy and I are to be together. I know that you do not break promises. I do know however that we have our own free will and that we have the choice to do things on our own. My prayer is God that you would please guard both Tommy's and my decisions and actions and choices. The enemy knows what buttons to push, he knows what irritaes us the most and I just want to stand against those things and ask God that you would please protect us. Help me God. Change me God. Change my heart where it is not right. God you know what I am struggling with, with all the insecurities. Please give me a supernatural peace God. Help me God just be able to release it to you. Today I am really struggling with the fact that he has not been holding me at night, or that we have not gone out on a date. That he seems distant. But you know I just had the thought that the other day. He asked me what was wrong and genuienly seemed to want to know. There are moments and times that it comes through. I just feel like I am expecting to much and maybe I am. Please help me God. Help me be satisfied, help me not to be so needy that it is detremental to us. Help me find that balance and receive from him what he is ready to give. I am so thankful for every little kiss that he gives me and every hug, every action that relays love. I really really am. I will never take those things for granted. I am just wanting so bad for this marriage to be better than ever for him to be filled up with the holy spirit and love God with all his heart. I can not make that happen. I know that but I am just wanting it so bad I cant stand it. I do know that it is coming that I have to wait. Rest in the Lord & wait patiently for him. It's so hard to do especially when I feel like there is always something wrong. Which I know is a lie from the enemy. I need to stop falling into that and when I feel like that just immediately give it to you. I know that God brings forth life not death. So God please breathe new life into this marriage. I know that this marriage has gone through many years of hurts and wounds that have been extremely damaging and that things are not just going to be better in a blink of an eye. That it is going to take awhile to bring forth complete healing. I know that God is the only one who can heal those things in Tommy. I cant do it. I dont have what it takes. I know that God is the only one who can bring forth freedom. I pray for that so badly in both Tommy and I. I pray that those areas that have been so damaged with be completely healed. I pray that Tommy and I will both look back at this and be so strong is those areas and be so completely different in those areas that it would be unfathomable to think that there was ever a problem. I need to trust 100%. Which I really truly do know in my heart that, that is true. It's just doing it. Help me God when I am not feeling that love from him I pray that you God will fill me up with your love, that I would feel it no matter what because if I am not getting it from him I will know in my heart that I am getting it from you. Help me no matter what be the loving wife to him. Even if I am not receiving it from him help me to be able to give it to him. Fill me up to where I am completely overflowing that I cant keep it for myself. God I love my husband so much and I am sorry if everything seems to completely revolve around him and me and this marriage. Thank you for the desires that you have given me for this marriage and for wanting to be loved and I know that they will come to pass. Psalm 37:4-7. Delight yourself also in the Lord, and he shall give you the desires of your heart. Commit your heart. Commit your way to the Lord, trust alson in him and he shall bring it to pass. Rest in the Lord and wait patiently for him. Thank you Lord. Today has been really hard. I thank you that last night the meeting with the women was about loving your man. I needed that. Please remind me of what I can do and what I need to do. I need to see you God. I need to feel the love from my husband right now. Without me having to tell him that I need it. I want him to be able to give it to me on his own. I want kisses, I want hugs, I want him to hold my hand, I want him to hold me at night, I want him to pinch me on the butt, I want him to put his arm around me, I want him to lay me down on his shoulder, I want him to want me to sit beside him, I want him to want to go out on a date with me, I want him to say that he loves me and say it from the heart, I want him to be passionate with me, I want him to desire me. I want there to be so much love between us that it is completely unquenchable. I want that 2nd honeymoon. I want that party, that celebration where both of us will stand before church and give our testimonies and be used to share it with others to strengthen their belief in you God. I want to renew our vows, I want that communion, that baptism, those songs to be played, those versed to be read. I want to celebrate you. I want you to be the guest of honor at the party. The party is to be held for you. I want people to see our marriage and say wow, thats the way I want our marriage to be. I want our marriage to be used to heal other marriages. I want this marriage to glorify you God. There has been so much that has happened in this marriage that we should not still be together but only by the Grace of God is this marriage still together. Thank you, Thank you, Thank you. I want what the enemy wanted to be bad and where he wanted destruction to be used to bring glory and happiness and love and peace and goodness and healing and restoration. I want you to be glorified through all that has happened. Please God help me. Get me through these tough times. Get me through these emotions and guard my mind, my heart and my soul. Help me be filled with you father God. I pray that when Tommy sees me, he sees you. I pray that he will feel an unsurmountable amount of peace and love. I pray that he will be drawn away from the lies and evils that reside within him and that he would be freed. I pray that he will be filled up with the holy spirit. I pray that you will use him in ways that neither of us could possibly imagine. I pray that you will allow those gifts that you have given him to be used to bring hundreds and thousands of people into your kingdom. I pray that you will use the gifts that you have given both me and Tommy that compliment one another to reach out to others and bring them to you. Please God use us as husband and wife. Unite us together. I pray that this marriage will be so completely different, that we would have never imagined or been able to create or come up with what it is going to be like. I have seen in other areas times that I have prayed and my prayers have been answered they were answered over and above what I had hoped for so God I know that marriages are creations from you. You have kept us together through the toughest of times so I can only believe that there is something coming that will blow us out of the water and knock us off of our feet and will be better than we could imagine. Please help me stay focused on you. When my mind starts to wander and I start to feel insecure please God draw me back to you. I need you. I love you God and I need you!