Struggling

I woke up this morning and the first word on my mind was fast. Yesterday I was fasting and praying about our finances. I chose to do one day. So when I woke up this morning fast was the first word that I thought of. I just didn't feel settled or released to not fast today. I just felt like it was not right for me to stop. I prayed about it and I have asked God to show me if I am to continue or to give me peace about not fasting. On the way to work, my son wanted me to stop at 7-Eleven for him to get a drink. So I did. When he came out he had two drinks and two donuts. He had bought me a drink and a donut to. What a sweet boy. My thought though was what do I do? Do I fast or is this my sign to eat? As I was thinking about it on the way to work, I felt that if God had given me that word this morning and I do not take the step of faith to do something God might be telling me to do than how can I say that I am killing passivity. I need to trust. I ask God to speak to me and show me what to do and maybe that is exactly what he is doing. So I decided to go ahead and fast today as well and asked again that God would release me when the time is right. So I left the drink in the car and I took the donut into work and offered to them. I was thinking is chocolate more important to me than my trust and faith in God. No not hardly. I want to show God that I am sincere in saying that I trust him whole heartedely. Now yesterday I prayed a lot in regards to my daughter and I had been thinking, you know I just want to say Thank you to God because I have been praying that things would be uncomfortable and uneasy, restless, ugly, not fun, not good, just really bad. So it was just interesting that yesterday that she calls me wanting to come get her and than calls they lady who was her youth group leader. Tommy talked to her and basically it was said that as is she cant come home right now. I do believe that God is stirring and moving in her and I just want to say thank you for what you are doing. So I ended up praying more about that than our finances yesterday which is o.k. because she is more important that any amount of money. I would much rather see her come back to God and live her life completely different and be a changed person. I am really having a hard time though trying to figure our what to do. Do I pray, do I listen to the sermons that have been spoken, do I write, do I read in the word. What do I do. There is so much I would like to do or have thought about doing and I just can not seem to get the motivation to do it. Or when I go to do it. It does not feel right. I desperately need your help God I am really, really struggling. I pray for peace over my mind and my thoughts. I pray that God you will lead me in what to do. I want to write a favor of God on the church website and just dont know what to write. How can I not know when so much has happened. I just dont know where to begin and how to start. Normally when I sit to write I have no problem at all. It just pours out of me, but it's not when I go to write that. Maybe I'm not supposed to write anything but than I think well how can that be because that's what I want to do. I want to be able to share what God has done in my life and in my marriage and I want it to be a testimony to share God's goodness and I want to be able to have what has happened with us be used to help others so how come I cant write anything. I just dont know. I want to sit down and write vows to Tommy to give to him on our anniversary along with a new wedding band I bought him. Which of course this falls into one of the items that I have to finish paying for this week along with all the many other things that I mentioned yesterday. So I have not been able to sit down and do this either. I need help God please. So I just want to come to you right now and say God thank you for whatever you are doing. Thank you that things are happening in the spirit realm because it has to be with all the confusion and strife that I'm feeling. I know something must be going on and in the works because I feel that the enemy is in full force right now trying to completely block my mind from anything that you want to give me God and is causing major unrest in me, my mind and I am tired of it. So God please come and clear my mind, my spirit, me as a whole. I need peace, I need rest, I need you God. So please lead me in the areas I am struggling in and allow me to know and see and hear you clearly. Please God please. I continue to pray for major breakthroughs in our finances, my marriage, my family and our jobs. I know you hear my prayers, I know you know exactly where I am right now, you know what my desires and longings are and you know what we are facing and I thank you that you are in charge and in control. I wait on you in anticipation to see what you are going to do and I cant wait to write about what you did and share you. I want people to hear and know you and see what you can and will do in their lives. I need you desperately God please clear my mind God. Come, Come, Come. I am really struggling today with the fasting and cant wait until this day is over. That donut sat there for a long time before they finally ate it, so I would look at it and really want it. But what do I want more. Chocolate or God? God of course!! So Lord it is getting really hard right now and I need your strength to get me through the rest of this day. I am digging in and I am believing in miracles. I am believing that God is with me, he will carry me through, he will give me the strength that I need. I truly want to show God how sincere I am. I want to show God how I truly believe that he is the way. The only way, and that all things are possible through him. "Ask and it will be given to you; seek and you will find ; knock and the door will be opened to you. For everyone who asks receives; he who seeks finds; and to him who knocks, the door will be opened. God I am asking for help in our finances. Please somehow, someway let the money issues that I am faced with be provided for. Please dont take this as being selfish or greedy because I really am not. Help me clear everything out of my mind that does not belong there and that is not of you.

Seeking

There is so much going on right now. My original intent in writing today is to write as a prayer. I am fasting today in regards for a major breakthrough in our finances. As I was trying to read about fasting it spoke about praying & fasting together strenghtens the power behind it and no that it is not a way to manipulate God which a lot of the time comes to my head. O.K. God if I fast and pray this, than you it's automatically going to be fixed. That is not my intention when I fast so I just want to stand against that right now in the name of Jesus. Our church had those words spoken over us about favor. I wrote about this in my journal at home. There was so much that was spoken it's really hard to wrap your head around it all. But there was so much that spoke to my heart and I have not had a chance to go back and listen to it all. Now it was all spoken to us as a congregation so what was for me and what was for my family? Is it ok to claim the favor over finances for us. Maybe that was not meant for us. Maybe it was? How do I know? God How do I know? They spoke 2 to 3 weeks ago and spoke favor over all whole congregation in many areas. One area that I have prayed about for a while that is always an issue is our finances. I'm not even praying in a big and bold way. Asking to be completely free of debt or rich or anything like that. I have always prayed little. God just help us be able to pay our bills, help us be able to make ends meet help us have enough for groceries, help us be able to pay our doctor bills, help us be able to have enough money for christmases and birthdays, help us to be able to pay for things that pop up unexpectadely. See nothing really big just week to week needs and God has always provided. There have been weeks I just did not know how we were going to make it and we always do. Christmases have amazingly always been provided for. I am having a really hard time with this right now because I dont want to be selfish and greedy and I dont want to pray wrong or ask God anything that is wrong. Now when you fast as I was reading it said that it is a time to clear your mind and yourself spiritually and turn to God for the strength and seek him which I do, do. So I cant really pray at work except for in my head or in the bathroom and it's really hard for me because when I pray I like to pray outwardly. So God my time of fasting is over our finances and for a break through. I pray that as I seek you and write that you will speak to me and provide your insight and wisdom. There is so much right now that has come up that of course needs money. Our sons drivers ed $250.00 needed right now, actually at the beginning of this week. A local huge community yard sale that I try to go to every year because that is the only place that I buy my youngest daughters clothes because I cant not just go to the stores and buy whatever. Now no this is not a necessary thing but actually it is pretty important because she needs things for winter and this is the only way for me to get those things. Now I missed the other one a few weeks ago that I also go to because of course I did not have the money. Again this week I do not have the money but I feel like what choice do I have? It's just really bad when you dont have the money for yardsales. It gets so discouraging and disheartening not to be able to even afford that. My husband is having people come and give a seminar this weekend for his karate class. Now they offered to do this on their own and for free which glory to God because the seminars are usually $1000.00. The only thing we have to do is take them out to eat. So of course you need money for that. My birthday is Monday and this was a major issue between Tommy and I a couple of years ago because I was so controlling over the money that I wouldn't let him have any so he couldn't buy me anything for my birthday. So I cant say no to him if he asks for the money card or whatever because I refuse to be like I was. But there is no extra money for that either and we of course have to replenish money that I had taken out for bill money last week because we have had to use that for different reasons. Gas mainly. I am just so tired of living from pay check to pay check and not having enough money to make it from week to week. The sad thing is we both have good jobs and make average amount of money but we are always living check to check with nothing left over hardly and it's not like to go out and spend and blow our money unwisely. It's always going towards needed and necessary things. So right now I am really having a hard time because it is so discouraging and disheartening. There's only so much we can do. We both work and Tommy works whatever overtime he can the only other thing we could do is get second jobs but than that would not be good for the family and it would take away necessary needed time there and I dont want to do that because money is not more important than my family. Now I feed bad about fasting for finances because when I read it said to fast about things that would glorify God fast about things that is God's will. How do I know that my finances is God's will? Now I can see how it could glorify God because of the results that could be shared and spoken about. Now I have been praying about help with our finances and that there would be a major breakthrough and that we would no longer have to live from check to check. That we would have the money whenever we needed it and that we would have more than enough so we could give it away. I want so bad to pay off Tommy's parents what we owe them. Realistically there is no way. But I am believing it's going to happen. When people come to our church and speak I want to be able to write a check and give to them as a gift and know that I have the money in my account to do that and not do it because I know we dont have it. I just want to be able to buy my children shoes or pants when they need them. To be able to buy whatever they need that is reasonable when they need it. Now I know that there are hundreds and thousands of people who are worse off than we and by the grace of God we have gone week to week and somehow have made it. Almost every time we get paid I am able to buy groceries for that first week and than the second week the money has been delegated to somewhere else. I just wish I could go the grocery store and be able to buy groceries each week and not have to worry do we have enough to cover this. Now back to how do I know that my finances are God's will I dont know. I do know that God wants us to seek him and so I am thankful for times like this even though it is very discouraging because we need God, we count on God, we look to God for help. God I know is there and he wants to help us. I believe if it was not God's will for us than he would not have spoken the things he spoke through those people and get our hope's up and than say o.k. never mind I was just joking. It was only for that person, not you. That is not who God is. God is a loving, sincere, giving, gracious God. He does not dangle things in front of us or give us a sample of something and than say that's all you get. I believe it is something that is to come that we have to look forward to. So I believe that for our finances. I believe that God would not put that word before us and we not see the fruit from it. Now I know it was spoken about us not being passive and killing passivity. How do I do that? How do I seek, how do I pursue, what is it God that I need to do to show you how sincere I am. So that is one way I can do that is by fasting to show God my faith and belief in him. That all things are possible through God. When I was praying this morning I was basically praying what I have written here and the same thought came to me about not praying for the big things like having our house paid off and having a credit card that we had from a long time ago paid off. Why dont you pray for those things and I guess I dont because they seem completely impossible and unrealistic. The truth is, it's not impossible because God can do anything but I am always just concerned over the now things that we are always faced with. When Tommy went to Vision Quest they spoke about favor there and blessings over peoples finances and it was spoken that there would be people that are there that would be writing checks in crazy amounts of money. Somebody would write a check for $100,000.00. Somebody else would write a check for another amount and so on and so on. So why would I not pray for big if I can pray for small, pray for big as well. Do I believe? Yes I do. It was spoken that we would see things that we could not have possibly imagined and so I am believing this over our finances. I do feel as if this has been a major attack. All of this has come about within a couple weeks of these speakers and I do believe it is an attack and I want to make sure that I have all my weapons ready to fight back if necessary. I just need to know what weapons to use and where to get them. I dont want to sit back and watch the favor pass us over. So I am praying and fasting for financial breakthrough. I want to be able to share what God has done. That is why I am writing so much of this down because I want to be able to have it to say this is the way it was and this is the way it is now. Look what God has done in our lives. I dont want to keep it for myself. I truly do want to share . I want to be able to bless others. I want others to have hope and faith and belief in God and know beyond a shadow of a doubt that he is an amazing God and that he truly does care even about the small things. Now our finances might be small to him but they are huge to me. God knows that. I want to be able to more than enough to give away. Now the thought popped into my head. Why would he do that for you? Who are you? Why do you think you would be the lucky one to receive such a gift. There are others in the church that are much more closer to God than you. He hasn't done anything for this family or that family and they are much more religious than you and have much more of a closer relationship to God than you. If he as not done it for them why would he do it for you? Those are all lies from the enemy. I just needed to record these thoughts so people would know what was going through my mind at the time. That it is all real and true thoughts. Now the past three night Tommy and I have prayed together at my asking. That's o.k. I am believing that it will come when he wants to pray together. I'm very thankful that he agrees. So these past 3 nights we have prayed. He prayed the first night, the second night he said it was my turn and last night he said that it was his turn so Thank you God that he wanted his turn. His prophetic tape that was made spoke of faith. God was saying come to me I'm right here. Just come to me and ask. I will be there. Trust and have faith and so I am praying that this is going to be a time where God is going to do some major things in Tommy. I prayed for major things to be done while he was at vision quest and he did not really see anything or feel anything but I know work was being done and things were happening. So Tommy is coming and asking and I know that God is meeting him. I dont know how it's all going to work out but I know that it is going to because God has spoken those words. Now I know that you need to use discernment when it comes to prophetic words and all I can do is pray that God will weed out all the words that were not of him and put it on my heart and Tommy's the words that are from him. There were also words by both speakers about the prodigal coming home and being completely changed and in love with God more than ever. You just need to pray for her. Now of course this is something that I would want to hear and I have prayed off and on about the situation with our oldest daughter but not as much as I should or could because of the way things have been between us. There has been so much hurt and distrust and anger that it is really hard for me to relate to her. But I want so badly for her to come back to God. I always expected so much from her and really thought she would make something of herself and always wanted to best and she has completely done the very opposite of what I have wanted or hoped for. This is a major long story and has gone one for close to a year. She's been out of the house for that long and is living with her boyfriend and his mom. Off and on she would call and say she wants to come home but than it would be dropped and we would not hear anything else about it. Today she happens to call and wants me to come pick her up. She wants to get all her things and come home. Now I am having a really hard time with this because, yes I do want her to come back and this is what I am praying for maybe not necessarily back at our house but come back to God and get her act together. So here she calls and these words have been spoken. What do I do. I dont want to say no to something that I have been praying for. But we also need to be smart and careful because of how she has been in the past. So right now she is at our house. She just showed up and Tommy is on his way back home from working out and he sounds quite aggravated at the whole situation. So right now God I want to come and pray that you would be with Tommy and give him wisdom and discernment in regards to this whole situation. I pray that you would give Tommy the right words to say to her and that the words would speak to our daughter and not just go in one ear and out the other. I pray for a breakthrough is this area as well. Today started of fasting and praying for a breakthrough in our finances but God I am praying for that in this situation. I pray that you would work out all the details and that your will would be done. I pray that you would bless there time together. I pray for truth to be spoken and I pray for life. I thank you God that our other daughter is not home from school yet so he has time to speak with her with nobody else being there. God please come. Please, please, please be there right now with them. I pray for your presence to fill that household and that any attacks or things that the enemy wants to throw at us will be completely blocked by God and that the only presence in that house would be the presence of God. I give it to you right now Lord and say God we need you now!!!! Please let your presence be known. I put my whole trust in you God. I pray that this will work out according to your plans and not anybody elses. Let your will be done not the enemy's. I pray the blood of Jesus over that house right now. Let your angels be there. I receive all the prayers that were prayed the other night at home group and I ask God that your hand be wrapped around us. This could be a turning point right now God and so I want it to be completely in your hands. So God come. I cry out to you right now and say come Holy Spirit Come. In the name of Jesus I say come and be with my husband and daughter right now. I pray for deliverance, I pray for truth, I pray for a breakthrough. I pray for healing, I pray for restoration, I pray that all bondages would be broken. I pray that any spirits that are not of God to get out and be gone in the name of Jesus. I pray for lies to be broken, I pray for barriers to come crashing down. I pray for revelation. I pray for common sense, I pray for realistic behavior, I pray and declare that any mental illnesses that are there to get out and be gone in the name of Jesus Christ. I pray for peace. I pray for help. I pray for ones to come and surround her that love you God. I pray for a job for her. I pray for the desire to want to make things right and to want to make something of herself. I pray for friends that would be good accountability partners with her. I pray for support for her. I pray for Godly people to surround her and cover her. I pray for her future husband. I pray that you would put people in her path that you know she needs. I give all of this to you right now and say come Holy Spirit. Come, Come, Come. We need you. You are the only way. You are hope, truth, life, forgiveness, healing and restoration. I have prayed for this family and for Tommy and for each of us and dig in even more and say Come!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Favor

Over these past 2 weeks we have had 2 different speakers at our church. The first week, we had a speaker come and held meetings friday, sat and Sunday. Sundays sermon was a blessing over our congregation. It was about favor that God is going to be pouring out over us. There was so much spoken that I cant even began to do it justice. The church has made a cd of it and is passing it out to everybody. I plan on getting it and just sitting down with it and listening to it again and writing about what jumps out at me. This weekend the other speaker came and spoke at our mens retreat and than came and spoke Sunday morning and Sunday evening. He spoke at the evening service about it being a new year. That the year 2008 is known as a year for new beginnings. This was told to me about 3 to 4 months ago, maybe even longer than that. And it seems that I have heard that one other time. That is what I have been praying for and when I started praying that, I had not even heard that yet. I have been praying for a long time for a new beginning in my marriage my family and my relationship with Tommy's mom and his sister. I have been praying that my marriage would be completely different and unlike it ever has been before. That it would be completely different. I have prayed that it would be completely new and something that I could not even began to imagine. That was also spoken this Sunday. This speaker spoke about the prodigal coming home and the speaker from last week spoke the same thing. I truly believe this is about Courtney. The first speaker spoke about passivity and not being that. To push forward and not be passive. To go after and seek what God has for us. I dont want to miss any of it. I want to receive and I dont want their to be anything at all that stands in the way. At Vision Quest the speaker spoke over the men that there would be people there that would write checks for significant amounts of money. I pray that we would be one of those people. There was a lot that happened at Vision Quest I believe and I truly think that Tommy and Justin did not mind it. Now according to them they did not have fun, but when I talked to them it never sounded like they were bored or aggravated or having a bad time. They always seemed to be in good spirits. The two of them have a soaking prayer time and Tommy kept talking about how good Justins was and how he felt that his was not good. I listened to the tapes and I heard nothing bad at all, which if they are words from God they are not going to be bad because that is not who God is. God puts forth life into us he does not tear us down and discourage us. Tommy was compared to Sampson but I believe it has to do with turning to God and that the things in the past do not matter that there is always a time to start over and his words had a lot to do with a new pattern and God flat out telling him to come and seek and ask and that he will be there. He just needs to trust and believe. I thought it was very encouraging and promising. Justin was compared to Peter and also Joshua & Caleb. He was told to study Joshua and receive it as if it was for him. The things that were spoken were really neat because comparing him to Peter who worked on the water and that was him job and talking about jumping from the boat. Justin's whole being is about the water and the ocean and he wants to be in the Coast Guard. Another thing is that his middle name is Caleb. Now the people praying for them do not know this. So it is just so neat to see God come through and speak things that show you that it is real and personnel. Now Tommy does not feel like he left there with anything but I know that he did. Justin got prayed for by the speaker for about 10 to 15 minutes which I would consider quite a blessing in itself. He had gone up to receive baptism of the Holy Spirit and when they were done he had said that he did not feel anything at all. He may not have and he was completely honest about that but I know that something was happening and I cant wait to see whats going to come from it. Now since Tommy has been home, he's been kind of snappy and irritable and went off on Courtney yesterday about her situation and today him and Justin went out looking for a vehicle for them to share. He is extremely discouraged about our finances and him working so hard and not being able to afford a vehicle that he can depend on. So right now he sounds very down. I truly believe that these past few days are an attace against his spirit. He was not like this before he left to go to Vision Quest and he was not like this while he was there. So I truly believe that the enemy is attacking and trying to discourage him and fill him up with lies to rob whatever was spoken to him this weekend and through our differnent speakers. So I stand right now and I declare in the name of Jesus Christ that those lies would be completely destroyed and that the power of God would overcome and fill Tommy up and completely consume him. I really feel that we need to dig in and pray for our finances and believe in a blessing from God. It has been spoken and we need to believe. Now I know a lot of people would be extremely skeptical and I was a long time ago, but so much has happend in my spiritual life and I have seen God in amazing ways that I can not and will not give the enemy the time of day to doubt and not trust God. So God I pray right now that you would please come and bless this marriage, this family, our finances, our jobs and our callings. I pray for your provisions in every area of our life. I believe, I trust and I know that change is coming and that it is going to be amazing and unbelievable and is going to be unlike we ever could have possibly imagined. I am believing in favor from God. God has already blessed us beyond belief and I am so thankful for everything that he has done. So I feel bad for thinking and feeling like I want more God. But I shouldn't because God wants us to seek him. He wants us to come to him and ask. He wants us to believe and trust him. So God I'm coming, I'm asking and I'm believing. I have also prayed for a while that God would bless Tommy beyond belief. He has worked so hard our whole entire marriage, he's had some really bad jobs and he has always worked awful hours and has always been on swing shift. He never got to go to college because of him having to start working to take care of us. So he gave up his dreams to take care of his family and he's not able to go to school because of the hours that he works. So he is really caught between a rock and a hard place. He's worked lots of hours for little amounts of money. He's worked long hours to make a little more. He's always had a factory job which he despises and dreads going to work everyday. Now dont get me wrong because I am very grateful that he has a job and that we have done as well as we have. We have been blessed in many areas and have been given so much. God has truly provided. When I look back I cant possibly imagine how we ever made it but we did only by the Grace of God. We have had our parents help us out tremendously especially his parents and we have not been able to pay back what we owe. Tommy has sacrificed so much and has given up so much. I just want to see him be blessed. I want to see his dreams come true. His desires, his longings. I want to see him be successful and happy and see him doing something that he absolutely loves. I pray for a job where he has normal working hours, where he is not in a factory and that he absolutely loves. The problem we have right now is he gets paid decently for what he does and that he has been there for so long that if he left, he could not possibly find anything else that pays what he makes. Especially not having a college degree. So it's like God what do we do? How can he possibly hope to get out with that facing him. There is only one way and that is you God. Nothing is impossible to God. So I ask God for your favor on my husband. I pray a blessing over him. I pray that he would be completely blown away by you and that he will know that it was you. I really believe that this is a test. For him to come and ask you. It's like he's fighting and bucking what was spoken over him and he is struggling. God please keep him afloat. Please God let him see that you are the way. All that he has to do is ask just like he was told. So I pray that this would sink into him. I pray that, that revalation would hit him and he would seek you with all of his heart. Please God help him through this time. Protect him and do not let the enemy have his way. I pray the blood of Jesus over Tommy. Rise him up to be the warrior you want him to be. I pray that you will bless his socks off. I pray that we will be able to repay everyone that we owe. His parents took out of their savings a lot of money to help cover our stupidity with credit card debt and we have not been able to pay them back. I know that this is an issue that is underlying. When his mom and I were at major odds with each other over the whole situation with Courtney this topic came up about the outstanding money. It kind of came out of knowwhere from what I remember so I know that it is something that has truly bothered her. Our relationship has been very strained and damaged unbelievabley. We both have been hurt by one another and if she was not such a Godly woman, this relationship probably would be over and done with. But she is a very gracious, forgiving individual and has not done that even though in reality she deserves to. This is one of the relationships that I have been praying that would be completely new within this year of new beginnings. I feel though that the money is something that stands in the way. I really want to be able to pay her that money back. I believe once that happens something will break and change will began. I feel that the money is a realy wall or barrier. The only thing is though the money we owe her like I said is significant and there is no way to possibly get that kind of money within a short time frame. We only have a few more months before the year is over. So God, I know that is where trust comes into play. You are the only possible solution and way. Is that to bold of me? Is that wrong of me? Am I being selfish? God I dont want to be that way. Please help me stay focused and seek after you and your will. I pray for your favor God. Just like was spoken over us. I believe and I am asking for me and my husband and my family for your favor. I pray that Tommy will want to come and ask you as well. I pray that it's not just me doing this. Ipray that Tommy and I will be on the same page and that we will seek you as a couple. But for right now I feel like it's just me so kind with whatever authority I have I come and stand for this marriage and family and us as individuals and pray for your blessing and favor. I do believe is the power of prayer and I thank you for your love, your compassion, your forgiveness, your mercy, your graciousness, your protection, your provisions, your tenderheartedness, your friendship, your strength, your will, your power, your ways, your plan. Thank you God for you. Thank you for the blood of Jesus. Thank you for your promises. Thank you God!!!!! Thank you for the experience of knowing your presence that I have felt over these past 2 weekends. Thank you for speaking to me. Thank you for speaking to all of us. Thank you for the lives that are being changed, the lives that are being touched. Thank you for all the healings of wounds, hurts, sicknesses and death. Thank you for where you are taking this church. Thank you for the people your are going to bring to us. Thank you for the plans you have in store for us. Thank you that you are preparing us to go out and glorify your name by the many many giftings that you have blessed us with. Thank you for the body. Thank you God!!