It has been a while since I have written on here but I have done some writing at home. So as a reminder this is where I would need to go and look at my home journaling from where I left off last. Well so much has happened. We did make it through Christmas. God provided! I did not get a job and we were able to buy christmas presents for everyone we needed to, and some of those christmas presents were presents that were given to us and we were able to pass on. Such as $50 from my grandad went to Courtney. $50 American Express gift card to me went to Courtney. Gift from work was able to be used in Chinease gift exchange. We got 4 new phones for free from the package they were offering and after rebate. Tommy worked one overtime weekend through the holiday which enabled us to have a little extra for christmas. We definitely did not buy like we have in the past. That was not an option. It still was very limited. I had ceramics at home I could still paint for my mom and dad. So we really only had to buy for the kids and nieces. That was by the way the only overtime Tommy had. So thank you God for providing. It was in little steps nothing all at once or major to where we could say we received x amount of dollars but it was done in very small increments but the only reason that is was done was becuase of God. We also after Christmas was facing some bills that still were carrying extra amounts of them and 4 more doctor bills and the insurance bill that was due in December to cover adding our son on their. That was $200 itself. There was one week at the beginning of Jan where our deductions were not taken out of our checks becuase of it being an extra week and Tommy happended to have 1 overtime day which was a first since that one before christmas. With this we were able to pay all of the bill and the extra amounts and the doctor bills. The car insurance was also able to be paid in full which I know was completely planned and ordained by God. Because after they had received the money and it was put towards the account Justin had a little accident and our insurance is responsible for it. Now if we had not paid the insurance that was due I can't even begain to imagine what would have happened so I know that God protected us in that. So thank you God for your provisions there and for the insurance and that is still all up in the air and I dont know what this entails about our insurance going up but all I can do is trust in God. We have not seen significant favors of God that really stand out. And maybe I shouldn't say that because we have seen favors they just have not been big I guess like I had maybe hoped or wished for. There has been lots of favors that have been little and in small doses. Does that mean my belief in God and trust in God is also only in smally doeses. Am I not giving God my fullest belief in him. Or is this a patience thing or a teaching thing. I really dont know and I dont need to analyze it. I just need to continue to trust and believe in God. I am really tired of doing it myself though. I really would love to see Tommy step up and say you know what let's pray, let's fast, let's read the word and seek. Tommy has seemed to really step back and not be as interested or trusting or believing. I pray God that you would please wrap your arms around him and draw him back to you. That he will truly see you like never before. You said God for Tommy to seek you and and knock and you will answer the door and to have faith. He has done those things, I dont know if they have been to the extent that you want him to or not but I know that he has and I think he has seen you in little ways like at the Showalter's house during prayer for their house he heard you specifically and was faithful is listening but the finances are really getting him down and he needs to see you God. I know that you know exactly what he needs and that I dont need to tell you what it is. Please God let your presence be known. There is so much going on right now that it could be make it or break it and I'll be darned if it's going to be break it. We are in a wave again of hits or artillary coming at us and it gets harder and harder. For me all the old emotions and lack of patience and anger is trying to really flood back into me and just aggravation and everything that I felt before Tommy left is hitting me and I truly with all my heart and everything stand against it right now because I do not want that to be a part of me and I said that I would not ever go back there again and be like that. I prayed for new and for things to be completely unlike they ever were before and that is what I continue to believe in and pray for. That I will truly never be the same again!!!!!. I am new in God. I am changed in God. Things seem to be a lot more tense with Tommy. He's slipping like I mentioned. God please dont let him slip. I have prayed that we would be on the same page and that he truly would stand up and be the spiritual leader of the household and Debbie had spoken a word to me at the ladies retreat and than something similar was spoken over him at the prayer time at our house that it would not be much longer. That I will not have to be the leader much longer. And so God I am holding on to that and I am waiting. Please God dont let it be much longer. I know my time is different from your time but please dont let it be long. I pray that Tommy will truly come to see you and know you in a way like never before and that his relationship with you will just take off like fire on a gas line. Like you see in the movies. where somebody pours a line of gas and somebody ignites it and it takes off. I pray that for Tommy's relationship with you. Finances are holding steady. At least the bills are paid for but we still have our car taxes to pay for. Tommy needs to get the oil changed in his truck and Justin's truck and Tommy's truck in not starting so that needs to be fixed. Our dishwasher is broken so that needs to be fixed. We have Tommy's parents to pay back, our lawnmower to pay for, the old credit card bill we have been paying on for a long time. There is never in extra money to put towards these things. When there has been we have put it towards paying off things or towards things so it's not like we are wasting it or splurging with it. I make sure that Tommy has lunch everyday that he works so that he does not have to buy anything. I make sure I pack my lunch so I dont have to buy anything and we never hardly go out to eat anymore. We have been very careful and very responsible with our money and there is never a break. God we are both sick and tired of not being able to just have money to buy what we want or need or not have extra to be able to do the things that need to be done. (For example the oil changes, or car repairs) Only by the Grace of God we have not had to dig into the next checks money in quite a while so I give God the Glory for that because that is not because of anything we have done it is only becuase of God. I want to be able to go to Walt Disney World to take Justin before he graduates which would probably need to be this summer because if we waited until he graduated he may be gone for the Coast Guard. I know that this is a want and not a need. Things are happening at Tommy's work that are not good. They are cutting back on everything there and may be cutting back hours, not matching 401k. Not giving merit raises if you have any kind of occurance on your record, not giving the $10 cards anymore and no overtime at all. Possible layoff's there so that is very disheartening as well. Who knows what will happen. I really would like to see Tommy get a new vehicle. He truly deserves it. He has had his truck for 13 or so years and it really is on it's last leg. But he knows that he cant do anything about it. He works just as hard as everybody else and he sees other people have new or newer vehicles and they are doing the same as him. Now I know we dont know their situation and they could be really struggling but I understand where he is coming from. It's very disheartening. I know that this is a want and not a need as well. But God we have tried to be very faithful with our finances and be responsible and make sure we tithe and give to God what is Gods and be good servants with what we have and it just gets very hard to not ever be able to get ahead and be able to do or buy things that we could enjoy. Now I not only want these things for me. I'm really not intending to be selfish I truly want to be able to help others. I want to be able to pay off Tommy's parents and be free of that debt. I want to be able to help my parents. I want to be able to give to others who need. Please God I pray for breakthroughs in our finances and I pray that Tommy will see this. You God know what it's going to take for Tommy to truly see you and know you, I dont so God please whatever it is please let him see it soon. Let their be breakthroughs in our strongholds, in our marriage, in our family and in our finances. Please God please. It's getting really tought right now and I feel like I am really wearing down. I need you God. Please I really need a refilling and replenishing of you. Come God I am asking you to come and let us see you.